Scan Day

13 weeks have passed and its time for the scan date.

I am absolutely bricking it as a previous pregnancy didnt have a heart beat.

I recal sitting looking at the kidney bean on the screen and when the midwife called in a staff nurse to look, she explained to us that the baby was effectively dead.

This was before my youngest was born but it still haunts me, strangely I am convinced it was a boy, but probably only because i have three girls.

It haunted me for an age, bad dreams, lots of time of work, almost lost my marriage, you get the idea, a bit of the rails to say the least.

Anyway, its scan day. Times ticking so slowing, it might have well as stopped, people are moving slowly, the traffic has ground to a halt. There is queues and red traffic lights and roadworks every where. Theres more busses on the road, and more nissan micras holding me up than normal. There is no parking spaces at the hospital and a stupid womens car alarm is screaming at me.

To top it all, the clinic is late in opening and there is a queue of mothers and occasional fathers huddled around the automatic doors waiting to get in.

Some of them are filling their lungs (and that of their little ones) with rancid smoke and in my minds eye I cant help seeing little babies choking with the fumes. Ungratefull bitches not knowing what a gift they have been given.

To say im on edge, is an understatement. I am so worried that I have a cold and I have my thickest north face duvet jacket on, waiting for the doors to awaken from their slumber.